haveahiddles:

ancientfinnishgoddess:

angryschnauzer:

ourladybinxthings:

angryschnauzer:

frenchfrostpudding:

peskipixi:

angryschnauzer:

frenchfrostpudding:

angryschnauzer:

mrshiddelston:

peskipixi:

angryschnauzer:

peskipixi:

ladyoftheteaandblood:

angryschnauzer:

ladyoftheteaandblood:

angryschnauzer:

ourladybinxthings:

angryschnauzer:

ourladybinxthings:

angryschnauzer:

Having discussed this with the lovely proprietor of the @slore-spa, i felt a European location was required to satisfy the appetites of us Euro ladies. Here, i present to you;

The Cougars Retreat

Set in the Surrey Hills in Southern England, our newly trained phone operator will be happy to take your reservation:

The delightful property offers a number of facilities, a bar:

Where our tall dark and handsome bartender will mix up a number of ‘Screaming Orgasms’ and make sure you get at least two ‘Slippery Nipples’:

A beautiful kitchen:

Were our trained chef’s will ‘whip’ up all sorts of treats: 

Though some of our staff do still need some people skills training as they get a bit ‘huffy’ when you make a mess (they need to learn not to punish the guests… unless the guest requests that sort of thing):

You can rest assured that you will indeed have a good rest in our four poster beds:

And we also offer in-room beauty treatments:

And of course there is a pool:

Which our lifeguard is very happy about:

So from the rest of our staff, although they may be young they are all very eager to please:

We look forward to welcoming you to the Cougars Retreat:

Keep reading

I’m trying to make a reservation but the line is busy. Who’s hogging the reservation manager?!

Whoops, sorry that’d be me *wipes mouth and chin* he’s finally free now. You know how it is, some of these young staff need a good tongue lashing to get in line.

Wonderful! I’ve had to spend the night chain to the bar! Now if the bar tender would just let me go…

Yes i’ve seen the CCTV footage. I’m going to need to disinfect the bar counter surface after what you two got up to. (And kudos on being that flexible)

It’s very nice of your pool guy to offer swimming lessons and we found a whole new use for those floats. Who knew that stuff floats!

He also does Life Saving Mouth to Mouth lessons if you want me to sign you up? I said mouth to MOUTH… detatch yourself from that young man right now @ladyoftheteaandblood. Or at least use the pools changing hut. Jeeez… you lot are insatiable!

He is so young and has so much to learn, I maybe some time. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA😈

*emerges from the kitchen with full mouth*

“Mflfmfph?”

Oh come on now @peskipixi, from the moans i heard, you had your mouth full *in* the kitchen too. I do hope you’ve been nicely stuffed and our chef left you fully satisfied?

*swallows*

Yes, thank you Madam @angryschnauzer.

Now please may I have some more?

Ooh! I’d like to book a room please?✋✋✋ and I want the ‘whole package’!😉

All rooms come with a very generous package @mrshiddelston I’ll make sure room service is ready for your arrival.

ahem… *tapping her foot on the floor* where is MY pudding ? @angryschnauzer can you tell me if @peskipixi has set my chef free?

Our chef has A LOT of stamina, so I’ll get him to deliver it in person to your room @frenchfrostpudding. @peskipixi is now putting our barman through his paces so he’s available for the rest of the night.

*peeks over the bar counter with a Cheshire cat grin*

Instead of grinning , give us a bottle of something… Someone is thirsty over there @peskipixi

@peskipixi What have you done to my barman? Between you and @ourladybinxthings you’ve practically broken him!

@frenchfrostpudding, I’m having to call in more staff. Our Lifeguard Oakley has offered to stand in and deliver a bottle of bubbly to your room, will that be ok? I think he’s just about recovered from his swimming lesson with @ladyoftheteaandblood

@mrshiddelston Everything going ok? I’ve heard a fair but of furniture thumping and bedsprings creaking coming from you room. Were they groans of pain?
Its hard to tell in this place now with you lot staying.

Well the chains were his idea… Prehaps you should get better security @angryschnauzer?

Our head of security is flying in now @ourladybinxthings, please feel free to meet him down at the helipad.

@angryschnauzer
Would the head of security be able to stop by at my suite once he’s done with @ourladybinxthings I’m feeling a bit… Erm… Insecure…. And I would really need someone to take the charge.

I’d love to book a room, but the phones are busy again!

Well, I so much was looking forward to my birthday retreat! Perhaps we should contact the hotel manager….